Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.