Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff