Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

CUTE CAT‼︎

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.