Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.