[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
🏙👨🏼
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.