[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Life cycle of cat
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Breaking news:
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.