CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
You Might Also Like
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Perfect
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.