You Might Also Like
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?