Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
You Might Also Like
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape