@Stap_Jr

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

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@Pumpkinbabypie

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@SortaBad

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@Browtweaten

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@dankgdl

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!