Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you


*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”


Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.


You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.


date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?


To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!


Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!