CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Remember folks 😂
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The Struggle
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
#winning
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.