Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys