Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
You Might Also Like
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.