Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
A man of commitment.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!