[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
i’m still crying at this
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”