[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.