Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Ain’t no way
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.