[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
uncle dave has been through hell
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…