Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.