Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?