@FrazzleMyGimp

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

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@toastymoe

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

@meantomyself

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

@jaketapper

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

@PrincesaBallena

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
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@OfficeofSteve

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

@DurtMcHurtt

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.