[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
good morning
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Mornin. * use accordingly
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue