“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.