*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?