Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
You Might Also Like
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.