Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.