*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
the #horror is real!
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.