chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”