Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
🤣🤣🤣
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
my dog when i have a friend over
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
everyone has that one prude friend
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
There’s always that one guy