church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.