Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.