Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way