@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

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@BonaFideIntent

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

@GashleyMadison

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

@YSylon

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

@TheAlexNevil

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

@TheCiscoKidder

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

@ripstiklesbian

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*