“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.