@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

You Might Also Like

@batkaren

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

@CulturedRuffian

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

@Ygrene

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

@blade_funner

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

@TheWidowmakerX

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

@DanMentos

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

@theDanLawler

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

@sonictyrant

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!