Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?