@batkaren My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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@batkaren 
@CulturedRuffian I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
@bingowings14 It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
@Ygrene Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
@blade_funner SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
@TheWidowmakerX My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
@DanMentos [signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
@theDanLawler No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
@sbellelauren the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
@sonictyrant Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!