“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
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God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.