Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“Sheer Arrogance”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services