CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Encore…