CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application


An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.


The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.


[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.


Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.


If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.


can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.


I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.


Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash