CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Uh oh…
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Dyslexics are teople poo!