@BobTheSuit

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

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@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@JohnHilsen

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

@Sloppy_Tiger

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

@robin_991

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

@jakegarv3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@IfIwassomething

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash