cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.