Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
You Might Also Like
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
never forget
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.