@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

@AllanForsyth

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

@Lin_Baker

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@notmythirdrodeo

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@o__0Dev

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@jrza206

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.