cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park