@fatherofcomedy wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
@noog Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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@fatherofcomedy 
@JimmerThatisAll We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
@SLorenzen62 Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
@Rollinintheseat I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
@shutupmikeginn my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
@leyawn someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
@IamJackBoot You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
@JulieSnark Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
@PostCultRev I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
@QueenVofCoffee Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.