Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*


I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.


someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why


You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.


Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.


I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.


Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.