Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions