Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
You Might Also Like
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume