Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
me working on my assignments ^-^
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.