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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.