Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high