Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You Might Also Like
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“I wouldn’t.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
✌🏽
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.