Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace