Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Some people were born into their job.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.