CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.