“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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my first dose meeting my second
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Am I having a stroke?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.